WestWorld (2016) -- 9

WestWorld (WW) is the show that is like so many other shows and movies that viewers get caught in its maze as emotionally as do its creatures. As you watch WW, if you have been consuming motion picture culture for the last two decades, you will not only have your mind fucked properly by the actual plot, but also by trying to name to yourself all the things it is sampling – Firefly, Memento, Inception, Dollhouse, Ex Machina, Groundhog Day, actual old west standards from The Good the Bad and the Ugly and Unforgiven to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Of course it's own actual movie West World. 

No breaks to catch!

You’ll feel bad for the Teddy character, because just as Teddy is the persistently caring and screwed over pretty boy in WW, so too is James Marsden in Enchanted and XMen.

It’s par for the course for executive producer, JJ Abrams, to pull all the things you love into one place and mangle them up together into a new form of nostalgia. A drinking game for references. It has sets from the Death Star for The Hunger Games with Truman Show boundaries and rules. There’s even lessons in story telling on how to make the perfect tragic love story taken from Charlie Kauffman’s genius mind fucks Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Eat your heart out Charlie Kauffman.

Not to mention the exquisite soundtrack that winds its way through the Best Standards of Radiohead and The Rolling Stones.

Which is to say, I loved it. Every minute, even when there are some weird holes (where is the dude who went to look for Elsie? Why does Charlotte not look more into Teresa’s death, when she clearly knows it’s fishy?) you want more it to wash over you.

Abrams’ true genius is making deliciously slick morsels of stuff you already love. Like gourmet mac

Nom. In classic cowboy cast iron -- nom...

n chz. Very few ppl will argue that the gourmet version is not delicious, but most will also be satisfied with Kraft or Velveeta. I haven’t researched this, but surely I’m not the first to point this out, that Abram’s real vision is a sieve through which nerd pop culture drains revealing new form of nostalgia.

Maybe I’m too harsh on Abrams, maybe I’m just getting old enough that I catch the references. The tug of reality that keeps me from this is the fact that I’ve watched all the things that led to the writers and directors and visionaries who made these referenced pieces. Everyone knows Avatar came from Fern Gully which came from Captain Planet and the world first discovering deforestation. But most things come from straining the thoughts of a more diaphanous culture than the blue/silver screen. Like all the Brat Pack movies. They weren’t referencing Rat Pack movies, they were scrutinizing teens under the thrall of Reganomics.

Maybe I’m giving Abrams too much credit – there’s a fleet of minds making this series. Abrams is lending his company Bad Robot and his own name. I assume most things in the series are not actually his idea, but that he shows up once or twice a week to review and give his god-like input on whichever part in the cinematic process they are in.

Regardless, it’s gorgeous, gortesque, and thrilling. Its obvious strengths of detail, easter eggs, subtle express

from every single actor, are only matched by its more subdued strengths: spot-on corporate structure/struggle, using tried and true suspense building camera techniques to mislead the viewer. Like when William and Dolores are by the river saving some dude’s life and the viewer expects this to be the moment William takes his first step down the dark side path by killing the stranger. The viewer is primed for this, the thrill of pacing and tight camera movement on Dolores walking away confirms William’s imminent action. Instead, Dolores has one of her schizophrenic flashes of death and destruction, leaving the viewer just as relieved to get back to William’s side as Dolores herself is.

And the whole 10 hour spree is like that. And the pay-off isn’t lame (*cough* Lost. Abrams. *cough*). It’s as intricate as the WW itself, and more rewarding than The Man in Black (Reference: MIB, The Black Tower series, Lost, Johnny Cash….ANY “Stranger Comes to Town” story line) could have conceived his own maze being.

NOTE: there’s even a damn Minotaur, just as we’re all getting to the center of the maze, as though to acknowledge the viewer’s dedication to winding and riding along. Then it’s killed and the beat goes on. 

Literally & figuratively. A freaking Minotaur.

Batman v Superman (2016) -- 6

NOTE: I watched the Ultimate Release, not the Theatrical Release.

ugh. But not so "UUGGHH" as the rest of world wants you to believe.

My expectations for this movie were set at super low. It started in 2015 when I first heard Ben Affleck was the new Batman, and my brain revolted – No! No-one so weak chinned and lacking in charisma would be cast as Batman! But, no, the whole movie was already in post-production, and he was already signed on for a fleet of Batman involved films.

Then there was the trailer, all muddy colors, and the only relief Jesse Eisenberg looking super psychotic and overly intelligent for relief. Also, the release date – March – deep in the heart of the traditional low point of film releases. The wallowing months between the Oscars and the first week of May when some action piece in bright colors reclaims the year for good production!

Then the reviews. Awful.

I put my hopes in Suicide Squad which only promised the best, and delivered some beautifully decorated bullshit. If this movie I had cherished for so long couldn’t deliver, how could BvS??? I mean, this movie was so despised that there aren’t even any bootleg copies to stream online!

So maybe when I say the world is wrong it’s because the bar was set so low. But, seriously, this movie was good. At least as good as The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises (except for Ben Affleck).

Things to LOVE:

-          the start as from a bystander’s POV during the end of The Man of Steel.

-          Drawing between the Martha Moms and thereby calling on the ONLY emotional thing Batman knows.

-          Almost a butt in a naked man shower scene

-          Two lovely naked man torsos

-          Wonder Woman’s theme song

-          Genuinely good and creative soundtrack (except for that DUM DUM DUM part in the beginning when the crane shot pulls back from Ben Affleck (#notmybatman) hugging a girl)

-          Neil DeGrasse Tyson has a cameo.

-          Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s cameo says typically insightful and humanizing things

-          Plot is way more understandable and believable than either Civil War or Apocalypse.

-          Fight scenes, though they may take some leaps, have a sense of inevitability EG. WW slices off Doomsday’s hand. Hand grows back partially as a stiletto bone thing (badass). Superman almost feasibly stabbed by this stiletto bone hand.

-          Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor: 1) the neurotic crazy is always fun to watch, 2) silicon valley has got to be producing such villains.

-          No one Batman movie commits to being a real city, and most ppl (especially Frank Miller) just assume it’s New York, and Manhattan in particular.

Things to rightfully take the rap

-          Batman straight up murdering people. #notmybatman

-          Batman being on a vengeful chase and smashing all the stuff on the wharf to get it

-          Batmobile crashing through a brick wall no worries, but being stuck in a wooden boat???

-          Batman’s branding spree – what? I mean, both pragmatically and psychologically. What is his goal here? Who is that guy paying inmates to kill branded inmates? I don’t get it, and this seems like a classically 1970s zombie movie set piece that just has no reason for being except some producers got high w the director in a hot tub and this was the only idea any of them remembered the next day over scrambled eggs.

-          Loose plot relying on Lex Luthor being a super genius who using all the money in the world to follow his emotional whims and unreasonable vendetta against Superman.
-          Over dramatic Batman & Superman reactions to everything. I don’t think this is regular for these movies. I love the Batmans and Supermans of the world because they are able to take the punches and keep rolling!

I'm holding out for these LEGO heroes. 

Batman: Arkham Asylum (2014) -- 8

This movie was awesome.

Super worth buying it on Amazon video to stream forevermore. It's a Assault absolutely introduces every member of the Suicide Squad, without a bog of exposition no less, then kills half of them. Who cares about that emotional bond you were forming? Not directors Jay Oliva and Ethan Spaulding, not writers Bob Kane and Heath Corson. These fine gentlemen are not sacrificing story and character for anything a producer might quibble over on behalf of 13 yr olds or PC-freaks.

Suicide Squad animated feature that gives very few f***s for the audience's delicate constitutions. You can tell this for a number of reasons. First, it's not really worth rating it at "R" but it certainly doesn't try to stay under the PG13 level of kid-friendly versions of events. Second,

I could watch this scene on repeat for days

Point in fact: Assault's Joker is happiest when frighteningly objectifying Harley Quinn. When Joker *eye roll* escapes, a suspenseful stalking scene with the tension caliber of Alien or Bladerunner commences. This movie dishes out at least as much pointy reckoning as the Heath Ledger Joker ever did. Which is doubly awesome considering Assault treads that line of fatalism that Zack Snyder has coined as the DCU paradigm, without sacrificing slapstick and caper set-pieces like 3 Stooges-esque bullet dodging or the snappy repartee of Archer.

To that end, note that Harley's incarnation here also takes a leap into the adult story telling realm. The writers have her independent of Joker, doesn't compromise the things she wants, the mission or her own self esteem. Wanna bang Deadshot, analyse Cpt. Boomerang, kill your ex, and end up the most badass of the team? All without knowing or caring about that fact? Hell yes, she does.

For each of their parts, Deadshot and Cpt. are spot on out of the books except for two significant details: 1) the witty banter and one-ups- manship is actually better in this movie, and 2) the viewer doesn't really get a sense of how competent at taking charge of the Suicide Squad Deadshot is. I think the first is a boon, and the second a shame, and between the two of them we come to a net neutral at how their characters enhance the story.

Joining their merry band are Killer Frost – whom I love playing in Injustice, so it's a delight to see her come to life here – King Shark, KGBeast, Black Spider, and Riddler. All well thought out, and given enough backstory and motivation that you feel they're real characters, without globs of weighty backstory.

Seriously, only person to call BMan out on a bluff

Lastly, we have the good old 80s version of stout Amanda Waller. She's the authoritarian mystery – so much so that not even Batman knows what she's doing through most of the movie! Oo, how I love to see Batsy squirm in confusion every once in while – keeps him sharp.

Much like David Ayer's live action Suicide Squad (AKA Squad 1. Click here to learn why.), Assault relies on these DCU favorites to contextualize the world. This is totally different from the books where readers either assume that Task Force X operates in a DCU vacuum, or the writers can't afford those fav characters. Neither of these extremes is inherently bad as long as the story doesn't suffer for adhering to it. Neither does. Unfortunately, Squad 1 (see my review here) is a different version of this altogether. While Assault deftly weaves faves into the narrative – Riddler catalyzes the whole plot, Penguin's a contact the Squad has to hit up; Jim Gordon inevitably brings in the cavalry – Squad 1 shoe horns Batman, Joker, and The Flash into the plot as superfluous pot-boilers.

Overall, not only does Arkham Assault totally blow Suicide Squad away in terms of dialogue, plot, pacing, and character development, but it also could take on most heist classics as a genre buster! Think Oceans 11, but with less bromance angst between Frank Sinatra/George Clooney and ANYONE else in the movie. The most important part of the whole thing though, is one very surprising and subjective detail: Everyone has a favorite version of Joker, and I found mine here.

all the charm & evil with none of the meth-y dumbness

Like all fans of Batman the Animated Series, once you hear Mark Hamill do Joker voice you never wanna sully your ears with anyone else's cadence. But, damn, if Troy Baker doesn't take up the acid-flower mantle with wicked aplomb.

Civil War, or, Helvetica Syndrome (2016) -- 7

The first thing you notice how this is an amazingly Bond-esque political/physical fight scene. The second is the amazing use of place labels. Whenever one of those arty, full-screen, Wes-Anderson, giant letter place tellers…I giggled a little.

Not a problem. It is both super cool/intimidating and genuinely funny. The shot of Bucky chasing down a car on a dirt road at night already looks made to lick David Lynch's balls, but with a giant Helvetica "1991" super imposed, it's downright laughable. The boys on Reddit consider it to be either Futura or Twentieth Century, but it doesn't really matter what it is when it's got all that artsy-overlord pomp of Helvetica. Every time a new place name popped up, I crack up and then tilt my head in admiration at the lighting and cinematography.

This is a theme that remains throughout Civil War. As perfect as this movie is (All Hail Disney!) there is a weird fault here.

Excellent fight scenes. The opening scene is unabashedly Bond-esque. Camera following close up action for train of thought continuity. Use of all objects in a room (cement bricks, used bazooka shells), serious realism when Bucky hurts himself stopping his own all – I actually physically ducked when Cap ducks under the tail of a helicopter!

Almost Excellent Pacing. At the 1 hr 28 mins 25 secs point, we enter act 2.7. It's slick like the most beautiful anesthesia. It's the big title-line fight sequence: right on schedule, and my heart starts thumping. Unfortunately there's, like, 40 minutes left to this saga… of just Ironman and Cap duking it out. It's necessary for the larger universe, but slllooooowwww….even on the scale X-Men Apocalypse.

Excellent character incorporation. We got easily the best Spiderman (eat your heart out Toby Maguire & that other kid). There's an incredible Great Black Panther intro which super-well sets up the release of his solo comic series in September. Even Antman gets involved. They each have good lines and good back stories woven into a perfectly natural narrative. And last but not least, Stan Lee's cameo in pimp-ass sunglasses is gorgeous. God bless Stan Lee.

But…..Why does everything have to be a fight about isolationism? The only way to have more legal rigor & flexibility requires a lot more privacy invasion. The only way to stop ppl from stepping on your property is by having more government to enforce it. There is always a stalemate at the end of this particular soap opera – Man of Principle vs. Man of Principle.

The thing that makes wars is not bad people, but good people who can't understand each other to come up with some sort of compromise. I can't support either Ironman or Captain America. A major difference between a vigilante and a deputy is making sure the ppl you arrest don't get let out of prison based on their 5th Amendment rights. Do you really want to win the battle but lose the war? Captain America is short sighted in his own principles.

So, really, we have a an almost flawless movie, under-ridden by a strange isolationist sentiment which makes the whole set of characters look like whiny children in a rich kid clique who won't share their ball (except Black Panther, who has real problems).

Then, here are some lists. Ppl like lists.

List of 10 Bonus Points: 

1. The Vision using paprika and playing jazz (can't wait for his solo run comic!) 
2. All Marvel movies and shows (minus Fan-Four-Stick) consistently uses "Sokovia" as the vaguely Eastern-European country, and "Wakanda" for vaguely African countries. 
3. Great throwaway lines add universe depth -- "We were supposed to go water skiing!"
4. Light on Don Cheadle's face when War Machine spins out of control. Angular momentum and cinematic vision blend perfectly! 
5. The new Jarvis is an Irish lady! Stark, apparently, is a Brito- phile, huh. 
6. The baseball cap is the new hoodie??? 
7. The dialogue is the snappy best! There is just no replacing sentences back-n-forth that make sense. 
8. It is all very political, both for inter-personal, and for actually very real, larger world political quandaries. The role of the UN! The idea of jurisdiction! Nothing' but Watchmen comes this close. 
9. At the end of the day, I just love Vision more than anyone. He's basically Dr. Manhattan, or Data. As a tactician or strategist, Cap can only skillfully punch stuff. So sad that non-kinetic is non- cinematic. 
10. The way Tony and Cap fight is exactly the way my husband and I fight when we're drunk. That is, dramatic for no good reason; with a lot of saying "I'm done!"

List of 4 Philosophical Quotes that Raise the Bar: 

1.  "Which Bucky am I talking to?" Steve Rogers doesn't understand schizophrenia, but that's OK cus he's from the '40s. 
2. "You have the right to remain silent!" Spidey pulls out Miranda on Bucky. 
3. "An empire killed by its enemies can rise again, but one that crumbles from within – that's dead forever." That amazing quote comes from a true villain of light and dark motivations which are almost inscrutable if you really follow them. 
4. "I can't control their fear, only my own." Personal growth for Wanda, and something very deep and classic for the whole film.

List of 1 terrible thing to not be repeated: 

1. It's all in the family: WTF, Cap. Do not make out with your ex-girlfriend's niece. Many levels of Eew.  

1. 
   
   

Suicide Squad, or Squad 1 (2016) -- 6

Let’s call this "Squad 1."

1. "SS" is too Nazi
2. "Suicide" is too Emo
3. "Squad" is representative of the movie's theme.
4. "Skwad" is too much an in-joke for nerds to be fairly used in a regular review.
5. "1" is in anticipation that the DC comics extended universe demands sequels (and reddit rumors back that up)

So Cartoon. Much Bugs Bunny. Many Love.

So, Squad 1 evokes too many things in my little heart and brain to contain in one opinionated recap, so this is a short/sweet overview, and then, as they flesh out, I'll post topic-specific reviews.

Professional reviewers hate it, but the box office speaks for itself -- either nerds are now mainstream, or the main stream is getting nerdier. Squad 1 is enough of a success there will surely be more of them.

Full Disclosure: My wedding registry was full of Suicide Squad and Harley Quinn comics, but I understand a lot of what the professional movie viewers are saying: Squad 1 was not the greatest movie. Story and character motivation ranged from the extreme cliche to unbelievable. While the pacing is pretty smooth, it easily could have been better. The plot doesn't have many holes, but it doesn't make the most sense either -- and the ending is simply infeasible. The suspension of disbelief is totally snapped by Enchantress being defeated. If you believe the things you learn in the first half of the movie, she should be unbeatable by conventional weapons. Sorry Harley and Deadshot, your trickery and grenades should not be able to stop her.

Most of the skew-iffy stuff could have easily been fixed with simple one-liners here and there. I expect better from that much money and that many talented folks. Even considering the rumor that they reshot a bunch of scenes as late as Feb. 2016, that’s bad mgmt, not a good excuse. At best, David Ayer and his 10 Producers were negligent in planning; at worst, they just don't have a grip on how to direct a comic book movie.

On the other hand, people who were expecting a soulful drama are dumb. Just because Ayer also wrote and directed Fury, Sabotage, and End of Watch, does not mean Squad 1 was going to explore PTSD or alcoholism. That's like saying Kenneth Branaugh's Thor should have had the weight of Hamlet. DUMB. I'm looking at you Variety & Peter Debruge. It's an ensemble action hero movie about villains....by design it's unpredictable. But, I get it -- even by action movie standards, this was kind of a directorial mess.

"Your movie will not make $1M when I'm through with it!"

That said, reviewers may just feel betrayed by Squad 1. They are used to their power and infamy of calling and killing movies. Truly, they are like movie villains themselves. I wonder if they start looking like Dr Evil, sitting in the dark constantly, maniacally plotting revenge on some director or writer for slighting them at a Hefner party in front of a Bunny...

But I digress. Phenomenal trailers kept all of us rapt the past year. Nerds and writers alike, all bought into these glittering action-trains portraying a full fledged world, a tongue-in-cheek spray paint darkness, and story-telling without plot-spoiling. These were things of editing beauty. More than quick shots crammed together, they were rhythmically choreographed, and so well executed that the heart of the story was injected right into our eyeballs. So, we were suckered into thinking Squad 1 would be great, not just an action movie with colorful characters, but a thing of creative grace and savage beauty.

This built up two expectations: 1) the storytelling and execution would be amazing, and 2) there would be a lot of Joker. This first was quickly destroyed by the reasons detailed above, but the second is interesting. The trailers and production rumors make Joker out to be the main baddie, and he ain’t. So many assholes were butt hurt that they’d predicted one thing, and another happened. That is good work on the park of Ayer and his 10 producers.

Even without it being a soulful drama (seriously, Debruge, wtf) or as greased-leather-slick as Deadpool, we're all hooked on the potential of Squads 2, 3, and 4 that Ayer -- or whomever -- can go as low-budget and gritty or as high-SFX and glossy as they like and we will go see it.

Another point reviewers agree upon is an abundance of sexism and racism. Which may be just as dumb. This ensemble cast is an american diversity wet dream. Half the cast are women. Half the cast is not white. We have leading black, latino, asian squad members, plus a host of both dot and feather indians, black, asian, and latino faces in the supporting cast. It's like the feminists and the Pro-Race-Diversity people (we can’t call them "racists" … is there a real title for this?) were waiting for the first possible movie where gender and race diversity appears so they can say it's not enough. Of course it's not enough, it’s a GD movie, not a real cultural shift or support from Congress and police forces.

Beyond editing and sexism/racism, Squad 1 is pretty normal… The camera work and direction are standard. Nothing too outstandingly bad or good about how the scenes are sewn together, though there is some over-devotion to Margot Robbie's ass (I can only find three) but the comics play this up a bunch… so… I vote “appropriate to character.”

Notice Power Girl's exasperated 'tude.

Butts are funny. Harley is Funny. Ergo, Harley uses Butts.

 If you disagree, how bout you do some readin’ (you won't regret it!)
 The pacing is not bad. In fact, it's pretty good in comparison to some X-Men Apocalypse movies I've seen recently.

What sets this movie apart, stylistically, is the art direction. Brandt Gordon's day-glo palace of gore drenches every minute of digital media with visual joy. From color palette to backdrop to visual details on every character and wall  -- this art direction is out of this world. Vanity Fair's Richard Lawson called it "ugly."  If you were color blind and live in a Manhattan Ivory Tower, then I empathize. I hope Harley gets to beat you to death in the next movie.

Whose heart didn't break when Talia says goodbye to Bane?

What interests me is that Squad 1 exists at all. Our real world is portrayed by TV and internet news outlets as relentlessly dark -- a patch-work of terror and Corrupt Billionaires Running For President. Unfortunately, I guess art imitates life since we’ve just be swallowing Zack Snyder's unflinchingly morose Batman saga. It's no wonder that eventually audiences grow attuned to this darker aesthetic. When normal happy ppl like myself can react so violently against a white-washed rich-ppl-club member writing a review of a comic book movie, you know it's time for a villain-centric story.

Further, the story itself is started revolving and the Haves and the Have Nots in the Dark Knight Returns. When I watched Bane cut off the island of Manhattan, I was rooting for him. He and Talia were definitely onto something so devotedly followed in Fight Club -- not just “damn the man,” but a structured plan to actually damn the man. There’s a lotta sympathy for that in our post-Occupy Wallstreet era. The characters in Squad 1 are all damned by the man, and it’s easy to feel a lot of sympathy for them even though we know they’re villains. We are an audience who "need them bad." And that's why Suicide Squad is awesome.

  

Underworld

I saw it twice in cinema, right before I moved to the states. If I could look like any woman, it would be Kate Beckinsale. She is a rare combo of long/lean and still perfectly curvy. Like Giselle and Scar-Jo had a perfect clone and poured her into Trinity's outfit from Matrix1. Never mind that Selene uses 8 magic sunlight bullets for every 1 she actually needs or hits with. What was that with their being priceless?

That's me.

Billy says he would too. It's good we have similar
taste. Luckily, he thinks I actually look like the suck-up hench-vampire, Erika, played by Sophia Myles, whom I did for Halloween one year.

Remember when thin eyebrows were what girls plucked for, and when every boy went out for shiny black trench coats. Ah, those were they days. When vampires were decadent killers. They were pale and angry, not masturbatory stalkers.

There's something to be said for milking that part of the human psyche with fantasy characters

Underworld was the first serious badass movie that was anywhere near as cool as The Matrix. Underworld melds the green color filters, steamy alleys and grimy NY apts, over-exaggerated reflexes, with Anne Rice  classic mythology, Marilyn Manson music video imagery (not to mention a Queen of the Damned type of soundtrack), plus some weird science (no, not Weird Science). Bullets made from sunlight and quicksilver that bonds with blood. It adds in Xmen bullet-from-skull removal, Blade type intricacy of weird metal-scroll-work, Event Horizon blood-work, even a good Buffy back hand from time to time. The three main characters all having the same Gavin Rosdale haircut with that classic "wet look" coined in St Elmos Fire.

It even has a couple of movie firsts/bests: it was the first time I saw someone's neck get crunched, and some ones face get sliced. And to this day it's best Werewolf transformation I've ever seen. The crunching, the scary realism, how little they look like either wolves or humans.

It's one of those SFX cult movies that pulls together all the favorite nuggets into one glorious bonanza.

And it has more great narratives than most are crazy enough to plum for: Conspiracy Theory, Dynastic/Devoted Son, 2 fully developed Forbidden Love stories, and a great Frankenstein narrative. Thank goodness it (also like The Matrix) has two vapid follow ups, or the writers wouldn't even know what to do next.

While it goes out on some creative vamp limbs, it's kept in great control with offhand empathy like Selene's "You've taken a good knock to the head" to Michael. The fact that the whole war is

Michael Sheen, so poignant.

explained in two understandable lines from Lucien: "we were the day light guardians of the vampires. I was born into servitude." It's brilliant, and understated.

On that writing note, lets consider some great characters.

1. Craven, who conspires with the Lycans for personal gain, and then betrays the (wholly sympathetic) leader out petty fear and insult
2. Erika, who is so self servin' she doesn't even see where the interests cross each other.
3. Viktor, who stands up to his sociopathic principals in understandable ways, and strangles a Lycan with his bare hands. Oh, and he has a broad sword. 
4. Lucien, owner of the secondary FL, and cuts off his own tat in order to prove his death. 
5. Kahn, the devoted head of security and Q character. 

Writers Len Wiseman and  Kevin Grevioux don't mince arond too much with over or under editing or explanation. There's mention of "coven" and "Viktor" and "Amelia" and threats about past events -- but who knows how past. For a kid growing up on the XFiles this was cinematic broccoli. 

Add in killer acting performances by that guy from Lock Stock, Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen, and you have yourself my favorite vampire movie ever. This is one moment I just can't avoid the bias. It has plot holes and I don't wanna hear it. This movie is beautiful.

Biggest disappointment: The death of Amelia. She's mentioned with

Why, Amelia, why....?

reverence by so many other characters that you know she's a consummate badass. But she's only on screen for two heart beats before a single Lycan pounces on the roof of the train car, and we're just supposed to assume her and the whole entourage were not good enough at killing Lycans to  get through this? At the very least, that necklace of hers is made of silver, so the Lycans couldn't have bitten through it. I'm just saying, Amelia, you're wearing a malleable boomerang/ninja star there. I don't believe she should have died.

The Avengers

I'm confused by The Avengers. I can't tell if I've seen them all, or not. Generally, I can out nerd some of the nerdiest fellows in a software design company (where I spend most of my days) and can shoot a nerf gun better, and have well formed opinions on why the gatling feature on nerf just does not work. I went three days trying to remember the word "tauntaun" and almost cried because I couldn't finish, in my head, a throwaway line of Han Solo "Then I'll ride out on _______!"

But I can't remember if there are three Avengers movies already out... is this the fourth? Why are people calling Black Widow "a whore"? Did she bang anyone yet? As far as I remember there was some camraderie between her and Hawkeye, but nothing really sexual. She kissed Captain America on an escalator, but that was a classic spy move, and she didn't make "a move" on him at all after the fact.

Was that in the third one?

No! Clearly, duh, that was Winter Soldier..

Silly poet, flix are for nerds!  For, I am wise and learned in the ways of the nerd, but I have never actually passed. Stick me in a comic book shop, and every clerk, even the goth/hipster chick who looks like me knows that.

It doesn't matter anyway. The Avengers movies are made for me, not the nerds. They are blockbusters which don't force glaring cliche, but unroll inevitably through them -- to the point where you don't even notice they are cliches.

This one, whatever it is in sequence, will be getting my money. It's colorful, and I love Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson. If Robert Downey Jr. hosted the home shopping network, I'd be broke. I dislike that lady playing Hill; she's not a military leader, she's a stick. Or a segue: Can't be gotten rid of, and mechanically always there. 

The Year of Magical Thinking

I cannot finish reading this.

It appeared, with its gorgeous blue-green spine with simple black, serif type on my shelf one day my friend cleaned her apartment in summer. We drank much vinho verde in those days, and she liked to show the world her control over it by swapping the placement of shelves and tables, choosing meticulously where each should interact with another. She designed her own feng shui, and this day on the porch in the sunshine and our thin dresses, she pulled open a scrolled drawer full of books. She bade me take all of them, and they have been sitting now on my shelves for 6 months.

On a night of uncharacteristic insomnia, this spine looked like the best possible thing to make the hours worth something.

It scared the shit out of me. 

Wolf of Wall Street

Remember when Titanic came out, and we all took a collective breath to make it through 3 entire hours. When we exhaled it was with amazement we'd survived. Three hours -- really? Not since the audacity of  Zulus and Ben Hurs have we sat through things like that. And for Ben Hur and Gone with the Wind, we actually had civilized intermissions.

I don't think if Wolf had had an intermission I wouldn't just duck into the nearest theatre playing Catching Fire instead of returning.

There are
only so many ways you can glorify something without it becoming actually boring. Even if it is colorful, well-soundtracked, equal parts short and long shots, brilliant acting, titties, drugs, hot cars... I mean There are some seriously brilliant scenes here. The tag team dwarf launching scenes, for example, introduce how over the top and immoral the lifestyle framed in the movie is. Then, flashback to see how the narrator (interesting Annie Hall style amalgam of voice over narrations add fun texture throughout) started. Much like Tim Robbins' character in the Hudsucker Proxy. So sweet, so innocent, so full of vim for the world.  a couple half hearted fall-to-sin scenes later, we have the board of this fun/deplorable company going through the contracts of hiring the dwarves.

The scenes are well linked. The back and forth of the story telling follows an intuitive meandering this close to the beginning. Unfortunately, the writing loses its way about halfway through and the narration falls out right around where act two should start to seriously grip you, and twist your heart strings.

Instead you get a lack luster quilt of cliche bullet points of how "boring" life is without drugs and endless hookers. Fair enough, but the fascination with the loods lifestyle is so overpowering that maybe the writers, directors, producers didn't want to give it up any more than the character. The reluctance to leave the flying pharmacy of fun over plays the same jokes so much that they over-lap in a succession that would be mind numbing if the ending had seemed as sincere as the funland. Unfortunately, that effect is not pulled off, and somewhere around the end of hour two (beginning of act 2) you look around the theatre and are amazed you are still here, and the story has barely begun.

Ie. it becomes dull. There is no third act to reward the audience for its time spent. There is no sympathy for the Wolf as he sips alcohol free beer, or almost dies on his yacht, or get arrested, or looks sad in teaching people to be salesmen. Either the story has failed to elicit this from me, or I want this guy to persevere in his wolfy ways.

Seriously, his problem solving, and ingenuity early in the film led me to believe he could have defeated the FBI and gone out in a blaze of Dillinger-esque glory if only he had stuck to it. But, no, he wimps out and betrays himself and best friend in a whiny hole of inept self-pity.

Ug.

Watch at home, cheaply on Netflix with lots of tasty beer and a couple friends.

It's Not True! Not Only God Forgives!

Think he'll use those fists?
Think that lens flare is going to save his soul?

Seriously, human beings will forgive a lot. I know this, because the movie Only God Forgives is an atrocious pan through beautiful colors and lighting, a la David Lynch. Glancing through the chat boards on the film's IMDB page, however, reveals the sympathetic souls who deem this an instant classic doomed to the hatreds of short-sighted contemporaries and small-minded poop skulls who hate on slow, twisted, violent movies with no sympathetic characters and nary point of interest in sight.

Which is how most people seem to feel about the Danish-French-Thai flick improbably starring a dreamy American man in the Thai drug world. Open minded viewers can see the feasibility of Ryan Gosling being the son of Kristin Scott Thomas, but not the brother of Tom Burke. Normal viewers can see the feasibility of massive drug cartels in Thailand, but not so much the super white guy running it. Artsy viewers get stuck on the sets and lighting, letting the atmosphere (which is, indeed, brilliant) lull them into thinking the drawn out scenes are equally well-executed.

The problem is not that scenes are slow, and dialog minimal. The words coming out of these characters' mouths are great: they're, articulate of both plot and character development, and fun to hear. Kristin Scott Thomas' opening monologue is killer, albeit 2 lines long.

Her mother character is exactly Lady Macbeth meets Donatella Versace -- if such a creature were the single mom and head of an international drug operation. I want to see this character in other situations, ruling different underworlds, fucking with other people's lives.

Similarly, the brothers are engrossing manifestations of how bad individuals can be. The writing pits them not against, but away from each other, as though they both spring from mom's twisted womb, one anal retentive, one anal expulsive, and both unable to relate sexually to anyone in the real world.

Which is where the wrongness starts. Of course one is a rapist/murderer, the other a possibly impotent lock-box. However, there is nothing else to illustrate this. There's a whole boxing ring set with dozens of fighters and bookies to play with -- untouched. You're in Bangkok, don't try to tell me there isn't crazy dog fighting, snake-blood-drinking, trafficking, hostel busting, beach combing, boat using, fun going on. Not even mentioned or shown. The scenes that could fill those lousy minutes of Ryan Gosling looking at his own hands or improbably hallucinating about hallways are innumerable. The best we get is a shoot out in a noodle shop, and some guy's arm sliced off with a machete near a train.

Nope.

Which leads me to the second major thing wrong with this flick. The stylization of the sets, dialog, and totally uptight blocking go so overboard that they blur together and make each scene mockable rather than tense. The only scene for which is actually works is after Gosling brings his hot hooker to meet his Macbeth Mommy for dinner. KS Thomas throttles the scene, Gosling lights her cigarette automatically, and the hooker shows improbably rational, and emotionally stable spunk. For her efforts Gosling makes her strip in an alley way to put her in her place. Yep. It's crazy good at showing all their POVs on life (even though the hooker's isn't believable).

Unfortunately, everything else is dulled into a glam-grunge morass of boredom.

You can see how well these shots are put together.
Too bad nothing is done with them.

Third: the cop. The story is pretty neat, if cliche. Dirty Harry with machete takes unorthodox, and unprecedentedly violent measures to restore the spirit of the law. There's even a sweet training-with-machete-at-dawn scene to show how serene this guy is. But, uh, there are also too many Lynchian kareoke scenes where all audience members sit like statues. That's alot of screen time to tell your audience just one thing. We get it. He's revered and artistic. Use those scenes for another thing or three. Have his safe kareoke spot threatened by some improbable but reciprocal hallucinations of Gosling. Build us a relationship between these adversaries. If director/writer Refn doesn't want to go that route, fine, there are other things you can do, don't just glut your screen with repetitive crap.

Ug. That's why it's bad. Not because "it's slow". Not because it's too violent or too sexually twisted. Because it has a shimmer of idea and fails to express it adequately in the medium the creator has chosen.